Biblelicious

New Digs for Biblelicious

2006-10-22T20:24:00.000-07:00

Biblelicious got it's very own domain!

Coming soon to an iPod near you, the amazing and fun Biblelicious Podcast.

Of course, if you are one of the four people who actually read this blog, you already know all about it

Tower of Babel

2006-09-27T19:56:00.000-07:00

Gensis Chapter 11 So when I was a kid, the first album I ever bought (other than CCR Down on the Corner that my sister sold me for $3 when I was 5 - I was about 15 before I figured out what a 'pinhead' was.) was Elton John' s Captin Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy. Man, I loved that album...there's a song on it called Tower of Babel, here's a few of the lyrics:

Snow, cement and ivory young towers Someone called us Babylon Those hungry hunters Tracking down the hours But where were all your shoulders when we cried Were the darlings on the sideline Dreaming up such cherished lies To whisper in your ear before you die It's party time for the guys in the tower of Babel Sodom meet Gomorrah, Cain meet Abel Have a ball y'all See the letches crawl With the call girls under the table Watch them dig their graves `Cause Jesus don't save the guys In the tower of Babel

Man, oh man. It was 1977 and I was 12 and I had no idea what it meant, but it had to mean something. I mean, it was deep. And dig that cover art. Reading it now, I'm still not sure what it means, but it seems somehow, I don't know, less deep, and more like, well, a party...party like a rock star party...a party gone bad, but I digress. On to the text at hand: The Tower of Babel. In case you've forgotten, here's the gist of it. Everyone one in the world speaks the same language and they decide to build a tower to the sky. God sees what they are doing and decides that He doesn’t like it. So, he goes down and confuses the language, they abandon the tower, and scatter across the earth. I've always wondered why. What was so wrong with building a tower to the sky...it's not like they would get there. So what's the problem? Everyone getting along, working together toward a common goal? I don't know if that's exactly a Christian virtue (and, of course, the folks in Babel aren't Christians...we've got a ways to go before we get to any of them) but it doesn't seem antithetical to the whole idea we’ve got going on about the bible. So what's Gods beef? Creationist boy says they were not God fearing folks, they worshiped idols and Satan and it was Satan that gave them the idea to build the tower to the sky. (I think I'm starting to see a pattern with Creationist boy...but that's neither here nor there.) So, no help there. A little Goggling on Babel and low and behold...guess who's king over there in Babel and Babylonia? Our old friend Nimrod, the mighty hunter. Who, you might be interested to know, is thought to be one in the same as Gilgamesh, the hero of the Epic of Gilgamesh, the ancient Babylonian flood myth. In ancient Babylonia, Noah is nowhere to be seen. We say Noah-Schmoah, it's Gilgamesh and his sidekick Enkidu that have adventures, survive a great flood, fight each other, fight gods and save humanity...or something like that. I read it in grad school, but that's been a while ago now. Anyhow, Nimrod, in his ancient Babylonian garb, is already half a god himself, so, I'm guessing he's not so much a fan of this johnny-come-laity God who clams to be the only God and that everyone should worship Him. My take on it, Nimrod pretty much says, "You're not the boss of me. I'm half a god already, I'll get my people to build a tower to the heavens and then we’ll see who gets worshiped." Or something like that. God says, "Nope, it's not gonna happen...look what I can do!" I really wanted to God say, “Oh, fuck off…” But I thought that might be a little over the line. And there you have it, our God wins and Nimrod ends up with a gazillion languages and one half finished tower.

Nimrod...what'd you just call me?

2006-09-22T19:22:00.000-07:00

Genesis Chapter 10 This is the chapter that sits between the end of the Noah drunk and naked debacle and the Tower of Babel debacle. Yet another vaguely boring recitation of the generations of Noah...We've already been down this road a couple of times, so I'm skimming through, giggling at the exceptionally funny names...Gomer made me snortle a little, then I came across this verse:

Cush became the father of Nimrod, who was the first potentate on earth.
: He was a mighty hunter by the grace of the LORD; hence the saying, "Like Nimrod, a mighty hunter by the grace of the LORD."

Yes, you read that right, He was a mighty hunter by the grace of the Lord...hence the saying of exactly the same words over again. Just stop for a second and let that sink in. Now giggle. OK...moving on... Beyond the amusing redundancy, I said, hummm, THAT'S where Nimrod comes from. But, I thought, a Nimrod was a stupid annoying little fucker...not a mighty hunter by the grace of the Lord. So, I checked with my new found creationist guy, and he was no help, so I Googled for a while and learned quite a lot about Nimrod, but not why it's used as slang for annoying dim-wits. Then, I came across an obscure little reference to Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd. Come to find out, it's only slang over here in North America. For the rest of the world, Nimrod does mean Mighty Hunter. In the 1930's, Bugs called Elmer a 'poor little nimrod'. Only after that, did silly Americans assume nimrod was another word for numskull. All hail the power of Looey Tunes!! ---I'm resisting the urge to say That's all Folks!

A sign from God?

2006-09-10T11:22:00.000-07:00

The other day, I was putting some boxes of my father's books in the attic. In his day, he was quite the amateur theologian, hence, piles of religious books now in my attic. I picked up one particularity heavy box and it slipped a little and two books popped out. I left them where they lay and wrangled the box up into the attic. A little while later, I picked up the first book that fell out of the box, it was an academic looking red book with a blank cover. The name on the spine: The Genesis Record. A quick glance at the introduction let me know that it's a creation scientist's commentary on Genesis. Hummm, I said. Quite the coincidence... This has got to be a sign of something, and I've decided I'm going to take this as a sign from the universe, to sally forth with my not so sacrosanct, not so orthodox, at times lightning bolt from heaven sacrilegious commentary on the bible. I'm going to believe that the universe is not angry at me, and actually approves of me and what I'm doing. I thought for a minute that I should consider, perhaps, that the universe was giving me a sign to take Genesis more seriously, more literally and that's why it tossed the book out at me. But then, I thought, the universe must know me better than that. Handing me a creationist reading of Genesis is just a jolly lot of poking fun all bound up and ready to go. It's like a little religious barrel of monkeys, open it up and you never know what's gonna pop and start scratching it's ass and picking lice off its neighbor. I mean really...who are we kidding here. You like how I snuck the subtle monkey (i.e. Darwin) reference in there? Oh, and in case you were wondering, the second book was Chicken Soup for the Soul...not sure what the universe meant by that. Perhaps when it goes chucking books around, it's hard to just chuck the one. The other might just be collateral. Suppose I should read it, just in case. Oh, and one last thing. Noah drunk and naked? The creationist says that it wasn't really Noah's fault he got so drunk on the wine he made from the grapes he planted the minute he stepped off the ark. There may have been atmospheric changes due to the flood that caused the wine to be stronger than he expected. Oh, and Ham deciding to come over and visit, just at the same moment Noah was passed out on the tent floor, not actually Ham's idea, but planted in his mind by Satan. Yes, you heard me right, Satan made him do it.

Rainbows & Drunk, Naked Noah - Bible Story or Queer Bar?

2006-09-02T18:18:00.000-07:00

Genesis Chapter 9 So, the flood is over, everyone’s out of the Ark, the world starts over… First, you get the lovely little story about how the Rainbow is a symbol of God’s covenant with mankind that no matter what we do, or how debauched we become, or how board God gets with his little “Earth Experiment” (ok, I made that part up…) he will never, ever, ever destroy us, ever again, and the rainbow after the rain lets us all know that the heavens will never again open and drown us all to death. Sweet and reassuring…la, la, la, it’s like a Disney cartoon, any minute the bluebird of happiness will alight on Noah’s shoulder and he’ll start singing Zip-a-de-do-da. THEN…WHAM, with no warning and no transition, Noah gets totally drunk, falls down naked in his tent, his son stumbles in, probably drunk too, sees his dad splayed, nekid, passed out on the rug. Really, I’m not making this up… Here's a panel from the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. See, there's Noah all drunk and naked and his sons pointing and laughing. But, then again, his sons are naked too, so what are they laughing at? Come to think of it, pretty much everyone on the Sistine Chapel ceiling is naked...except for that guy in the background, inexplicably digging a hole. How come there's so much naked religions art? I mean, as we learned from Adam and Eve, God is totally uptight about naked. Here’s the story.

Gen. 20 - 28 Now Noah, a man of the soil, was the first to plant a vineyard. When he drank some of the wine, he became drunk and lay naked inside his tent. Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father's nakedness, and he told his two brothers outside about it. Shem and Japheth, however, took a robe, and holding it on their backs, they walked backward and covered their father's nakedness; since their faces were turned the other way, they did not see their father's nakedness. When Noah woke up from his drunkenness and learned what his youngest son had done to him, he said: "Cursed be Caanan! The lowest of slaves shall he be to his brothers."He also said: "Blessed be the LORD, the God of Shem! Let Canaan be his slave. May God expand Japheth, so that he dwells among the tents of Shem; and let Canaan be his slave." Noah lived three hundred and fifty years after the flood. The whole lifetime of Noah was nine hundred and fifty years; then he died.

So, what am I supposed to learn here? If you see your drunk naked father passed out on the tent floor, don’t look at him, and for God’s sake DON’T TELL YOUR BROTHERS? I’m not sure that’s really the takeaway here…but that’s all I got. I googled "drunk naked noah" and got 36,500 pages...The Straight Dope had a pretty good article. I don't remember Bro. Rowell ever preaching on this, I wonder what he'd have to say about it?

The Raven and the Dove

2006-08-20T18:56:00.000-07:00

Genesis Chapters 6, 7 & 8 - The Flood I've been thinking about these chapters for the past couple of weeks that I've not been posting, not because they were difficult, not because they were particularly long, but because it all seemed a little too simple. That there had to be more to this ever so famous bit of the bible than the obvious wicked humankind punished for it's sins, then a new race of man, reborn and redeemed are sent out to live on the earth. You've got your basic parallel with the Christ story (which at this pace, I may never get to...) Man was wicked, paid for his sins with death, and was resurrected in the decedents of Noah. Christ, not wicked, but we still are, paid for our sins with death and then was resurrected (as we will be resurrected if we believe in him) in the a new glorified eternal life in heaven. I kept thinking that there had to be more than that, but if it's there, I'm not coming up with it. I suppose if I were to read some bible commentary or exegesis or dogma, I might come up with something, but that doesn’t seem like very much fun, now does it? I did google Noah, but I didn’t come up with much more than I'd already thought up. If you google "how long is a cubit", you come up with an amazing array of fundamentalist sites. Oh, and by the way, Google has it's lawmen after anyone using google as a verb meaning to search the web for something. If you say you googled, you darn well better have used Google...not some other search engine. When did they loose their sense of humor? Oh, and up there when I said I googled, if anyone is paying attention...I used Google, not some other no name search engine. The one thing in this story that really stuck with me is the part about the Raven and the Dove. Genesis 6 - 12

At the end of forty days Noah opened the hatch he had made in the ark, and he sent out a raven, to see if the waters had lessened on the earth. It flew back and forth until the waters dried off from the earth. Then he sent out a dove, to see if the waters had lessened on the earth. But the dove could find no place to alight and perch, and it returned to him in the ark, for there was water all over the earth. Putting out his hand, he caught the dove and drew it back to him inside the ark. He waited seven days more and again sent the dove out from the ark. In the evening the dove came back to him, and there in its bill was a plucked-off olive leaf! So Noah knew that the waters had lessened on the earth. He waited still another seven days and then released the dove once more; and this time it did not come back.

So, the raven just splits and the dove comes back to get all the glory. Seems like something is missing here. You get this image of Noah, looking out the window of the Ark, looking for the raven, shrugging his shoulders like one of the three stooges or something, then just chucking a dove out there. Later on, we’ll see that dove turn into a vast symbol of peace. Things don’t go so well for the raven. I knew that there had to be some back-story here, this passage seems odd, like they left something out. So, it took a little intense googleing, but I found some old Jewish folktales that give you the rest of the story. I found this quote from the book, Hebrew Myths: The Book of Genesis by Robert Graves & Raphael Patai

Noah opened a skylight and told the raven to fly off and fetch back news of the outside world. It replied insolently: ‘God, your master, hates me; and so do you! Were not His orders: ‘Take seven of all clean creatures, and two of all unclean?' Why choose me for the dangerous mission, when my mate and I are only two? Why spare the doves, which number seven? If I should die of heat or cold, the world would be bereft of ravens. Or do you lust after my mate?’ Noah cried: ‘Alas, Evil One! Did I not order you to see whether the floods have abated. Be off at once!’ The raven answered impudently: ‘It is as I thought; you lust after my mate!’ Noah, enraged, cried: ‘May God curse the beak that uttered this calumny!’ And all the creatures, listening, said ‘Amen!’ Noah opened the skylight, and the raven—which had meanwhile impregnated the she-eagle, and other carrion birds besides, thus depraving their natures—flew out but soon came back. Again sent out, again it came back. The third time it stayed away, gorging on corpses.”

Raven’s a dude, he scored with the she-eagle. That’s some bad boy action that will give you a reputation, one that could last a couple thousand years. After I stumbled across this, I found some other mentions of the raven’s depraved sexual exploits while he was cooped up there on the Ark. Just one last thing, when you read that folktale, did you get a visual of Noah and the raven’s wife, or the raven and the eagle?

Sons of Heaven, Daughters of Man

2006-07-30T19:55:00.000-07:00

Here’s the little passage that starts out Genesis 6:

When men began to multiply on earth and daughters were born to them, the sons of heaven saw how beautiful the daughters of man were, and so they took for their wives as many of them as they chose. Then the LORD said: "My spirit shall not remain in man forever, since he is but flesh. His days shall comprise one hundred and twenty years." At that time the Nephilim appeared on earth (as well as later), after the sons of heaven had intercourse with the daughters of man, who bore them sons. They were the heroes of old, the men of renown. When the LORD saw how great was man's wickedness on earth, and how no desire that his heart conceived was ever anything but evil, he regretted that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was grieved.

You’ve got to ask, who were these Sons of Heaven? Who the heck are the Nephilim? The daughters of man must have been pretty babe-a-licious to catch the eye of an angel or whatever..something came out of heaven to do the big nasty with the mortal girls. Puts me in mind of the Greeks. It’s like a Hebraic shout-out to the pagans. Even though it seems really odd here, when it came to relations between heaven and earth, the pagan gods didn’t think twice about consorting with humans. Zeus was always putting on some disguise and swooping down to take advantage of a tasty little mortal. Here’s Yeats Leda and the Swan…just a hint, Zeus is the swan and I’m thinking it’s not consensual.

A sudden blow: the great wings beating still Above the staggering girl, her thighs caressed By his dark webs, her nape caught in his bill, He holds her helpless breast upon his breast. How can those terrified vague fingers push The feathered glory from her loosening thighs? How can anybody, laid in that white rush, But feel the strange heart beating where it lies? A shudder in the loins, engenders there The broken wall, the burning roof and tower And Agamemnon dead. Being so caught up, So mastered by the brute blood of the air, Did she put on his knowledge with his power Before the indifferent beak could let her drop?

O.K, this poem is about a lot more than just Zeus and Leda, and I have to admit, it's one of my faviorates, and any opportunity to throw a little Yeats into the mix should never be passed up. But, it does illustrate the dynamic between gods and mortals that existed long before Gensis got written. I find it interesting that in Gensis, it is so oddly vague and out of place, when it's so commonplace many (all?) other religions of that time. I’d have to look back to be sure, but I think this is the first mention of the concept of heaven... this sons of heaven bit. Not quite sure what to make of it, I come to the bible with the general construct so firmly embedded, it's hard to read it and just see what’s there. But then, the folks writing this also already had a construct of heaven. The idea that the gods had their own world, separate and unknowable by humans pervades most religions. So we’ve got the Sons of Heaven, angels of a sort…who get busy with the Daughters of Man and have some baby Nephilim, the heroes of old. Your basic Agamemnon, Orestes, Achilles. They had a little more going on than regular humans, but not so much as the gods. The Nephilim, according to Wikipedia, were said to be the giants of old. Perhaps the titans. The were fathered by the Sons of Heaven, which is also often translated as the “Fallen Ones” or sometimes “The Watchers”. The fallen, bad, wicked, nasty angels…Lucifer and his crew are the ones causing a ruckus with the earth girls. In the Book of Enoch (not actually in either the Christian or Jewish cannons, but looked upon by many as inspired by God), there’s quite a bit more talk about fallen angels and the havoc they reaped on the yet to be flooded earth. Actually, that’s pretty much what the whole thing is about. Enoch was Noah’s great grandfather, so I’m guessing he knew a thing or two about angels gone bad. I could go on for a while longer about the Book of Enoch, there’s some freakyass shit in there, but I suppose I should move along, there’s plenty more bible yet to see.

As Old as Methuselah

2006-07-19T19:10:00.000-07:00

Gensis Chapter 5 The thing I love about this chapter is that in the generations between Adam & Noah, folks lived a really, really long time. Adam was a hundred and thirty when he begat the lesser known son, Seth, and nine hundred and thirty when he died. Remember, Chapter 5 is one of the passages leading up to The Flood. And, all the guys lived eight, maybe nine hundred years. Later, after the flood, in Gen. 6.3, God says, "My spirit shall not remain in man forever, since he is but flesh. His days shall comprise one hundred and twenty years." I love that…God is like, “Whoops, 900 years is just too damn long. What was I thinking? When I chucked ol’ A & E out of the garden, I told them they would die, first I thought I should let them live about ten thousand years, but then I thought Nah, what kind of punishment is that? I’ll make them kick it at a grand. I really thought that was cutting things a little short, guess not. Oh well, I’ll just kill them all and start over. This time, a hundred, maybe a little more sounds good.” Noah was six hundred when God commanded him to make the ark. He was nine hundred and fifty when he died. So, I guess six hundred is like, what, fifty five? Sixty? Is the ark Noah’s mid-life crisis convertible? So, if he were going to ditch the first wife for the trophy wife (he is, truly, God's chosen one) how old would she be? Would three hundred be robbing the cradle? Noah lived for around three hundred years after the flood. But, all the new people repopulating the earth were only living to a hundred, so that means Noah outlived three generations of folks after the flood. I kind of like to imagine him as some crazy ass old hermit guy, two or two hundred fifty years on, hunkered down in the ruins of the ark, reliving his glory days, pissed that no one will listen, that no one remembers. So, enough of that…Chapter 5 gives a run-down of the ancestral line from Adam to Noah. The whole thing pretty much goes like this: Ancient Bible Guy was a hundred and something years old when he begot a son in his likeness, after his image; and he named him Ancient Bible Guy’s Son. Ancient Bible Guy lived to be nine gazillion years old; then he died. Then on to the son. It goes like this for a couple of pages. Zzzzzz Except for Enoch.

Gen. 5.21-24 When Enoch was sixty-five years old, he became the father of Methuselah. Enoch lived three hundred years after the birth of Methuselah, and he had other sons and daughters. The whole lifetime of Enoch was three hundred and sixty-five years. Then Enoch walked with God, and he was no longer here, for God took him.

What’s up with that? Enoch doesn’t show up anywhere else (At least I don’t think he does). So, what made him so special? Was there anything that lead up to it? Did he do something amazing? Was he particularly pious or good or faithful or obedient? It doesn’t say. Or, was he just not there one day? His wife woke up and he was gone? So, maybe that was the first time anyone went out for smokes and never came back. She had to tell the kids something… Oh, and one last thing. Methuselah is the oldest person in the bible. He lived to be nine hundred sixty nine years. I know this because I missed it on a theology final in college.

East of Eden

2006-07-15T19:38:00.000-07:00

Genesis Chapter 4 I’ve never really understood the story of Cain and Able. Cain and Able are the sons of Adam and Eve. Able is a shepherd and Cain is a farmer. They both bring offerings to God and God favors Abel’s offering over Cain’s. Cain is jealous. He takes his brother out in a field and kills him. You’d think Cain would be mad at God, not Able. But there it is, Cain murders his little brother. Which, having just seen how God dealt with his parents, chucking them out of paradise and pretty much cursing them with a miserable existence, you would imagine that Cain would think twice before whacking what constitutes a quarter of the earth’s population. But, he doesn’t.

Gen. 4.8-9 Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let us go out in the field." When they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him. Then the LORD asked Cain, "Where is your brother Abel?" He answered, "I do not know. Am I my brother's keeper?"

That’s it. There’s no build up, no exposition about how even though Cain was first born, Able got all the attention from Adam & Eve, that no matter what he did, God always liked Able better. Nothing like that, just that “the Lord looked with favor on Able and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not. Cain greatly resented this and was crestfallen.” (Gen. 4-6) So, here we are with the first ever murder, and when confronted with his deed, Cain lies to God… “Where’s your brother?” God asks. “Dunno,” Cain replies, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” Even though he’s in for a divine tongue lashing, you’ve got to admit, that’s a great line. True to form, God gets busy with the wrath.

Gen. Ch. 4.10-15 The LORD then said: "What have you done! Listen: your brother's blood cries out to me from the soil! Therefore you shall be banned from the soil that opened its mouth to receive your brother's blood from your hand. If you till the soil, it shall no longer give you its produce. You shall become a restless wanderer on the earth." Cain said to the LORD: "My punishment is too great to bear. Since you have now banished me from the soil, and I must avoid your presence and become a restless wanderer on the earth, anyone may kill me at sight." Not so!" the LORD said to him. "If anyone kills Cain, Cain shall be avenged sevenfold." So the LORD put a mark on Cain, lest anyone should kill him at sight. Cain then left the LORD'S presence and settled in the land of Nod, east of Eden.

So, here’s the part I don’t understand. God punishes Cain by making him a restless wanderer with no home. OK, that’s fairly harsh. But, then God protects him from harm with a divine mark. Murder…punishment…mitigation of punishment. I’ve never really been sure of what I’m supposed to get out of this story. I’m sure there's something I'm missing, but I don't see the lesson. I don't see the point. Is it simply that jealousy and murder are as old mankind? That even though we know we will be punished, even though we know what we've done is wrong, there is something within us that can, that will do heinous things? I mean, even the first guy ever to murder someone knew enough to try and lie his way out of it. Perhaps, we are supposed to learn that we all have the capacity to murder our brother...Perhaps I should just rent the movie…

A few more words on Original Sin

2006-07-10T20:01:00.000-07:00

Genesis Chapter 3 When you Google Original Sin, you get thousands of pictures of Antiono Banderas & Angelina Joel, and some really disturbing porn. But you also get Michelangelo, which you see here. Punishment It’s interesting that Eve gets the brunt of bad press for original sin, because when the original sin buck got passed from Adam to Eve to the Serpent, God punished them all. To the serpent He says (Gen. 3.14): “Because you have done this, you shall be banned from all the animals and from all the wild creatures; On your belly shall you crawl, And dirt shall you eat All the days of your life” Bro. Sam at the First Baptist Church said that before Eve ate from the tree of Knowledge, snakes probably had legs. To Eve He says (Gen. 3.16): “I will intensify the pangs of your childbearing; in pain shall you bring forth children. Yet your urge shall be for your husband And he shall be your master.” That’s some diabolical punishment…It’s gonna hurt like hell to give birth and eventually, if you keep getting pregnant, it will kill you…but I’m gonna make it so you just gottta have the sex. To Adam He says (Gen 3.17-19) “Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree of which I had forbidden you to eat, Cursed be the ground because of you! In toil shall you eat its yield all the days of your life. Thorns and thistles shall it bring forth to you, as you eat of the plants of the field. By the sweat of your face Shall you get bread to eat, Until you return to the ground, From which you were taken; For you are dirt, And to dirt you shell return.” God does not like it when folks don’t do as he says. You deliberately did what I expressly told you not to do…so I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you. OK, not right now, but eventually, in say....maybe, 900, 950 years, give or take. But in the meantime, life is gonna be hard. Eden was sweeet, but no more of that for you. Get out there and work for a living. Shame The first strong emotion we see in the Bible is shame. Shame. Adam and Eve were ashamed of their nakedness after they ate from the tree of good and evil. I think that’s fairly odd. One would expect joy or happiness or at least wonder at this amazing new creation. But no, we get shame. I wonder why that is? There are many emotions we have hardwired into us, perhaps shame is one of the most elemental. It serves great purpose in society…works to keep people behaving nicely. In most cases, it works better than punishment. But, it’s not just that they were ashamed of what they had done, of disobeying god. They were ashamed of their naked bodies. God doesn’t tell them not to be ashamed, he sews up some nice clothes for them before he tosses them out east of Eden. Perhaps that’s hardwired too, the not being naked thing. Or perhaps it’s just practical, we are not designed to be naked. Serpent Eve temped by a snake…then they were ashamed of being naked…plenty of folks have wandered down that Freudian path. I think I’ll take a pass on this one. So, to wrap up the fall of man, sin, shame, the original phallic symbol, punishment. Not a real upbeat start. But don’t despair…things only get worse. Murder, flood, death of every living thing...

God Made Man...then Drowned Him

2006-07-05T19:52:00.000-07:00

Genesis Ch. 1-3, Creation Alrighty then. I'm moved into my fabulous new house, I've got an internet connection, I unpacked St. Joseph's Medium Sized, so....let's blog the bible, baby! You know, I'd forgotten how action packed Genesis was. Here's a little rundown of what's to come. Creation of the world, creation of man and woman. There's the whole original sin thing, and one man one woman marriage thing...I thought I'd have a few chapters before I had to wrestle with any of the big guns...but, there you have it...right in the first five or six pages. Off we go...Creation! There are actually two creation stories, back to back, in the first two chapters of Genesis. The first has God making the world in six days. He made the sky and the sea and the earth and the sun and the moon and the stars. Then he made vegetation, then animals, then finally...man. Gen. 1.27 is a beautiful little verse... God created man in his image, in the divine image he created him; male and female he created them. And that's it, that's all it's got to say about mankind...just that we are created in the divine image. The second chapter tells a different story. This is the one we are a little more familiar with. First, God creates man…then, everything else. He makes the Garden of Eden all lush and full of vegetation. After He’s finished, it occurs to God that Man might be lonely. So he sets out to make a companion for him. Is this the part where God makes Woman? No. Not quite yet. First, God makes all the animals… Gen. 2.18 - 20: The Lord God said: “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a suitable partner for him.” So the Lord God formed out of the ground various wild animals and various birds of the air, and he brought them to the man to see what he would call them; whatever the man called each of them would be its name. The man gave names to all the cattle, all the birds of the air, and all the wild animals; but none proved to be a suitable partner for the man. OK, first, I love it that God gets direct quotes. Second, it’s pretty amazing that only after they look though every single animal on the face of the earth, does God come up with the idea of Woman. Does God make Woman the same way He made Man? In His divine image, breathing into him life with His divine breath? Nope. No Sir-re Bob. God takes some spare parts out of Man and puts together Woman. Gen 2.22 – 25: The Lord God then built up into a woman the rib that he had taken from the man. When He brought her to the man, the man said: “This one, at last, is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; This one shall be called ‘woman,’ That is why a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife, and the two of them become one body. The man and his wife were both naked, yet they felt no shame. That’s where the one man one woman marriage doctrine comes from, just that one little verse. (Not the naked but no shame verse, the one before it…I just kind of like that one. They felt no shame…) Bro. Sam, the youth director at the First Baptist Church, Rogers, Arkansas, taught us this verse when I was about 8 or 9. He asked what we thought it meant. I piped right up and said, “It means you are supposed to have sex.” There was an uptight little moment in our Sunday night prayer meeting until Bro. Sam agreed that, yes, that was part of the meaning, but more importantly, the Lord wanted us to get married. Even back then I had a hard time believing that God cares if I get married…or who to whom. I mean, for Adam and Eve, the only two people ever, it was pretty important. Eve needed to cleave unto Adam…they had to populate the earth…the Lord wanted them to cleave like bunnies. But now, not so much. There’s plenty of folks cleaving and populating the earth without me getting in the mix. After getting and created and cleaving unto Adam, things go steadily downhill for Eve. She convinces Adam to eat the apple and gets them chucked out of the garden. Ahh, Original Sin…it’s all Eve’s fault…we all are sinners, not because it’s the way God made us. No, it’s because of a woman…at least that’s what the church says. The subjugation of women built right in. I say it’s not her fault at all, I say it’s the fault of a weak willed man. Adam could have said “No”, he didn’t have to go along with her, God told him not to eat from the tree, he never told Eve not to. And, God never told either of them not to listen to the serpent.. Ahh, free will…see, I told you it was action packed… I like the first creation story the best...and since it's my bible and my religion, I can cherry pick along with the best of them. I think the takeaway from Genesis Chapters 1 & 2 should be: God created man in his image, in the divine image he created him; male and female he created them. All the rest, I call it outdated hooey.

Bad Lesbian Novel

2006-07-04T06:49:00.000-07:00

Hey, I promise I'll really start with the bible thing in the next day or so, but in the mean time, I've finally finished my bad lesbian novel (really, for real this time...I know I've said that before, but now I mean it) and I want to farm it out to some folks to give it a read before I try and do anything else with it. I would love some honest feedback. Trust me, you are not going to hurt my feelings. I've really got not idea if it's good or bad or even the least bit interesting. It's not very long and I don't use a whole lot of big words, so it should be a fairly quick read. Oh, and I can't seem to come up with a good title...I'd love some suggestions. Let me know if you want to read it and I'll shoot you a copy.

HOUSE!! (If you are so incredibly board with me going on about this stupid house...click away now)

2006-06-21T19:59:00.000-07:00

On a non-bible note, here are some pictures of my new house. It's my camera phone, so not the best quality, but the real camera is packed. The front of the house. Kinda of obvious... I really like the front fence, the pups will have run of both the back and front...they don't know how happy they are about to be. Think I'm probably going to run some Morning Glories along the fence line and maybe a ceiling fan and swing on the porch. Here's the back of the house taken from the fence. It's going to be a great back yard...except for that very noticeable slope downwards to the left... Again, happy, my dogs are about to be. Back yard again, from the other direction. I took a bunch of indoor shots, but the light was bad and you can't really see much. I'll post post a few more pics of the inside when I find the real camera!

Almost there...

2006-06-19T19:50:00.000-07:00

So here we go...down and dirty, this is the part where I actually start reading... Well, almost. St. Joseph's Medium Size bible had a pretty darn good introduction. I'm guessing it was written for parochial middle schoolers. Feels like about 8th grade. A couple of things jumped out at me. First, it talks about literary genres; parable, allegory, fable, historical novel, problem story and literary devices. You go Catholic Book Publishing Company, reminding us that most of the bible is not a literal recounting of historical events. Then there's this part, "Remember the golden rule: keep historical facts distinct from their theological interpretation." On the one hand, sounds like good advice. On the other...what exactly does that mean? Are none of the historical facts to be taken literally? Or, should be believe it all actually happened just like it says, but there is a larger theological meaning attached to the actual? (Like, you know, the Bible, it works on so many levels.) The more I think about it, the more puzzled I am...I don't rightly know what it means. And then there was this, "You may make your own choice (about interpretation) as long as it is not contrary to the teaching authority of the Church. The signature of a bishop in your Bible assures you that opinions, expressed in footnotes and introductions, reflect what is generally accepted as sound doctrine in the Catholic tradition." St. Joseph's Medium Size is signed by Paulus PP. VI....that's a Pope. It must really be OK. I'm thinking that Paul VI and I might not always see eye to eye along the way.

My Point Exactly!

2006-06-17T19:10:00.000-07:00

Like I said, if we are going to set our moral compass, make our laws based on a book...we should at least know what the damn thing says... Click the head of Rep. Lynn Westmoreland (R-GA)

St. Joseph's Medium Size Bible

2006-06-16T18:21:00.000-07:00

When I set out to start reading the bible, one of my first thoughts was, "There's no fucking way I'll get through the whole King James version." Which version could I plow all the way through? I knew I had a couple different ones hanging around the house, one of them would probably be fine. I did a little inventory and found that I have five bibles and one Gideon New Testament. I have five, yes, five...one, two, three, four, five...five bibles. I am surprised as you. Here's a rundown: Bible #1: King James Version - The bible of my childhood. Red letter edition, faux leather binding, my name embossed in gold on the cover. My daddy bought it for me when I got saved. That one was right out, KJV and all that fundamentalist-ness...although it might be fun to see what I thought was important enough to underline when I was 12. Bible #2: New International Version - Ahh, given to me by a woman who wanted in my pants. There's nothing like early 20's lesbian angst all mashed up with Christian guilt. Nope, not even gonna go there... Bible #3: The Catholic Living Bible - Given to me by another woman...same as above, but way not as fun the second time around. Not going there either. Bible #4: The Catholic Study Bible - From my college theology courses. Too hefty for lugging around. Bible #5: New Revised Standard - This is a bible I bought when I was in graduate school. There was a semester there when I had a little evangelical moment. I was taking Greek with these guys who all went to my Catholic College, but attended this really fundamental Bible Church. They were translating the New Testament to get closer to God, I was translating to get my MA. I started hanging out with them and one thing lead to another and suddenly I thought I might be straight and I bought this leather bound Protestant edition to go to bible study with them. That didn't last long. I could use this one, but the print is really, really small and I've got 40 year old eyes. So, I took myself down to Half-Price book to see what I could find. I found the $4, St. Joseph's Medium Size Bible. It made me smile so I bought it. And, bonus, it has nifty reference illustrations. Helpful to keep track of who's who when the going gets a little rough.

Bible Cred

2006-06-12T19:13:00.000-07:00

Just so you know, I've not always been a godless liberal. To establish a little bible street cred, here's some religious history about me... I grew up Southern Baptist. I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior when I was 12. Soon thereafter I got baptized, full body dunk, by the Reverend Ben J. Rowell of Rogers Baptist Church, Rogers, Arkansas. It was just what you did, what everyone in the church did. Round about 10 or 11 or 12 or 13, on some emotional high or low at church camp or during a revival or maybe just one Sunday morning, you got up during The Invitation, walked down the isle and accepted Jesus as your lord and savior. Up until I was 14 (when my dad said I didn't have to go if I didn't want to) I went to church three times a week: Sunday school and worship service on Sunday morning, youth group, choir practice and worship on Sunday evening, Wednesday night prayer meetings. I did a fair amount of hell-fire bible reading in my formative years. We read Revelation a lot. I was pretty convinced that The Rapture was going to happen very soon. That all the Christians would be swept up to heaven by Jesus before I got out of high school. I always got a sinking feeling that I'd be left behind, that even though I was saved, I might not really be saved and I'd be here, living through the End Times, living under evil rule of the Anti-Christ, taking the mark of the beast, which my preacher thought was probably going to be some sort of national ID card you would need to access your bank accounts, to do any business, to see a doctor. You'd have to have it to live in society. Preacher said it was probably going to be our Social Security Number, but thinking about it now, what he described sounds a lot like my debit card. Mind you, this was in the 70's, before computers, when people paid cash, when they wrote personal checks at the grocery store. When only really, really rich people had American Express cards and Visa did not exist. I wonder if ol' Brother Rowell's got a debit card... I secretly thought it might be more fun to live in the End Times than it would be to get Raptured and go to heaven. If none of this is making any sense, and you care at all, you can get a really great picture of fundamentalist Christian belief (the one I grew up with) by reading a couple of books in the Left Behind series. They are easy reads, not great literature by any means, but entertaining, and they paint a pretty clear picture of the brand of Christianity practiced by many Americans, and many of the folks running our country. The other half of my religious education I got in my late 20's and early 30's while attending a small Catholic University for about six years. There I came to know a vastly different, less literal, but equally dogmatic version of Christianity. I took quite a bit of theology and did some serious Catholic Bible reading. I even read the book of John in the original Greek (sort of, in a spotty, fit and start, good thing I pretty much know what it's supposed to say, Father Placid gave me a C+ sort of way). So there you have it, my own personal bible history...I don't know if I really believe in it, but I sure have spent a lot of my life thinking about it.

Blogging the Bible

2006-06-12T18:15:00.000-07:00

So, in a blatant rip off of this guy on Slate, I've decided it might be fun to read the bible and blog about it. It seems, now more than ever, people are talking about the bible, saying they believe in the bible, saying we should legislate according to what the bible says, saying that the god of the Christian bible speaks to them. But, I don't see folks actually reading the bible. I mean really, have you ever seen some guy get out of an SUV with one of those little fish symbols and a W. The President sticker on the back, walk into Starbucks, get his latte, and sit down to read the bible? No, I'm guessing you haven't. Only preachers and homeless guys read the bible in public. And, even they don't do it very often. When's the last time, outside of a church, have you seen anyone, anywhere, read the bible? Maybe I'm just a godless liberal...living in my secular world, but I just don't see it. I see folks telling other folks what's in the Bible, I see us trying to make domestic law and foreign policy based on the Bible, but I don't really see anyone paying much attention to the actual book. I thought I might. So, if you see some chick at Starbucks with a laptop and a bible...she might be a preacher, she might be a homeless guy, she might be a freak, or she might be me.

Buying a House

2006-04-16T06:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know, but it seems to me that people make way too big a deal about things. For example, buying a house. O.K., I admit, that's a pretty big deal. People who have never done it, think it's this complicated, difficult, expensive thing. They buy books, they take seminars, to learn how to buy a house. People who have bought a house, go round scaring folks who haven't bought a house with tales of inspections, termites, foundations, interest rates, neighborhood crime, resale value. And, O.K., you've got to think about these things, but really, unless you're like 12 and haven't lived anywhere but your parents house and dorm room, you've probably already got a grip on most of that. As for picking a house, you've been going in and out of houses all your life...you know what's crappy and what's not. So, for those of you wondering if it's too hard or too expensive or too complicated to buy a house, save your seminar money for closing costs and do this, go to www.lendingtree.com, put in your info, wait and see if someone will give you money. If so, ask the loan dude exactly how much money you'll need to come up with when you buy the house. If you are confused, ask questions, the loan dude is making money off you and it's part of the job to educate you. If you don't like your loan dude, and you've got some to choose from, pick another. There's no obligation to buy, just because they sent you a spreadsheet and talked to you on the phone. Second, get a realtor, and look at some houses. Find one you want and ask your realtor what to do next. It's the realtors job to guide you through this, they get commission. If your realtor seems pushy, difficult, money grubbing and doesn't pay attention to what you are saying, find another realtor. Your realtor should figure out what kind of house you want and show you those things in your price range. They should facilitate you finding a great place to live. And, it's always nice if you like them, cause you will be riding around in their car at least two or three Saturday afternoons. Let the professionals guide you, but don't forget, everyone you, the seller, the mortgage broker, and the realtor all have their best interests in mind. The seller wants to get as much money for the house with as few repairs as possible, the mortgage wants you to borrow as much as you possibly can, and the realtor wants to make a good commission. You want a nice place to live for a price you can afford. Keep your wits about you and balance reason with how very much you love, love, love that house and you'll be fine.

On Being a Girl...

2006-02-25T08:42:00.000-08:00

Just so you know, I'm about six feet tall and I weigh around 190 pounds. That makes me the same size as your basic guy, actually it makes me bigger than most. I'm probably as strong as a lot of men, although they generally have that upper body strength advantage. I've been six feet tall since I was 12 (although I didn't weigh 190 back then...). So, for all of my adult life, I've had roughly the size and strength of a man. Good for me. I've never worried about walking alone at night, traveling alone, going to bars, movies, restaurants alone. Guys just don't bother me, I don't get cat calls, they don't shout things out car windows at me...well except for that one time when my girlfriend and I were down on Cedar Springs in Dallas and some frat boys in a pick-up yelled "Dyke!!" at us. But, what are you gonna do...we could have taken them... I've never had to worry too much about being attacked, robbed, mugged, overpowered, beaten, raped simply because I was a woman walking alone. It doesn't cross my mind, although it probably should. Yesterday morning, it crossed my mind. Nothing really happened, no one yelled at me or approached me or threatened me, but this creepy guy getting gas at the pump next to me (early morning, deserted station) kept looking at me. Kept watching me...and not in a good sort of way. He wasn't a big guy, but he looked strong and for the first time in years, it occurred to me that, if he wanted to, he could probably hurt me. The threat wasn't terribly real. It was daylight and in full view of a busy street. I was one step away from my open car door, but it made me think. How do women, small, weak, petite women, walk though this world? How do they have the courage to get in a cab alone, walk to their car alone, when someone, anyone is bigger and stronger than they are and could snatch them right up? How?

Would You Eat the Chicken?

2005-12-15T13:00:00.000-08:00

So, while I'm on the subject, the Survivor producers threw in yet another moral conundrum for those pesky kids camping out and back-stabbing in the jungles of Guatemala. Myan priests came to the temple ruins and performed a ritual sacrifice. It was a chicken, cooked to tasty perfection, with honey and spices, given to the Gods. Mmmmm....Sacred Chicken. You could see the thought bubble over Stephanie's head. Sacrifice, Smacrifice, I'm gettin' me some of that chicken. The priests said the chicken was not for them, it was for the gods. But just a few hours later, once the priests were far away, three of the four, what did they do? They ate the chicken...sucked the friggin' bones clean. There is so much wrong here... Their rational? We're out here STARVING with only corn to eat. That's crap, there was a day and a half left in the game. It's not like they were going to be out there for 20 or 30 more days, or even a week...and...they chose to be in this game. So, with that said...Raif, the gay-boy Mormon, didn't eat the chicken. He said it wasn't the right thing to do. Even when they put a tasty little tid-bit in his hand, he still didn't eat it. Even when Stephanie, Dani, and Lydia were licking the grease off their fingers, he still didn't eat it. Why? Because perhaps he has respect for the traditions of a culture other than his own. Because perhaps he could see the big picture of what they were doing. Because perhaps he has a little bit of a moral compass, perhaps because he was raised by people who thought of others before themselves, perhaps because along the way he learned that sometimes you sacrifice what you want for a larger good, perhaps because he's Mormon, perhaps because he's gay...Whatever it was, what ever he has, the other three don't. So, what is that? That thing that makes you eat or not eat the sacrificial chicken? Would you eat the chicken? If you wouldn't eat it on television in front of most of America, how about if you were all alone in the jungle with only corn and water for the next 36 hours? Would the people you know eat the chicken? Would George W. Bush eat the chicken? I think he might. How about Cheney? Rumsfeld? Karl Rove? Would Hillary Clinton eat the chicken...in front of 57 million Americans? I think not. In private, who knows?

Cindy's Choice

2005-12-14T11:59:00.000-08:00

Ok, so it's been a few days and I should be over it, but I've got a bug up my butt about Cindy the Zookeeper keeping the damn Pontiac for herself instead of giving it up so that four other people could have their own crappy American-made SUVs. Yep, a bug up my butt, not just because Cindy is petty and selfish, but that people I know don't think so... A pesky little two pronged bug... Just to catch you up...if you are not one of the 57 million Americans who watched while 16 exceptionally attractive (well at least most were exceptionally attractive) folks manipulated and lied their way through the most recent season of survivor...Cindy the Zookeeper won the "Car Challenge" and could 1) keep the Pontiac, drive it away to a sleepover/BBQ with the contestant of her choice OR 2) keep nothing for herself and give the other four a brand new Pontiac. Cindy took choice #1. I was amazed, awe-struck, that someone could be so blatantly selfish. It was such an was incredibly petty act, committed, not quietly, not in secret, not for the betterment of her starving children, but on TELEVISION, seen by everyone she has ever known, her grandmother, her first grade teacher, the chick at the 7-11. Plenty has been said on this, Heather Havrilesky, the best TV critic in the world, said it the best in her Salon Article, so I won't belabor that point. The point I want to belabor is the second prong on that bug up my ass...PEOPLE I KNOW, PEOPLE I LIKE, THINK SHE DID THE RIGHT THING. Let me say that again, PEOPLE THAT I LIKE think she did the right thing. I'm aghast. Watching TV with The Girlfriend that Thursday evening, it never crossed our minds that she would actually keep the car! Good strategy, bad strategy...it was a decision that stood outside the boundaries of the game. It was a choice between being gregarious and being greedy. It was a choice between altruism and self-interest. It was not a choice that could definitively win or lose the game, it didn't really have anything to do with the game...It was a choice that showed the content of her character. With all of that said, those folks that didn't think is was the wrong choice...I have to wonder about their character too. I have to wonder how they would act should they be given a choice between gregariousness and self-interest. I have to wonder what they would do in a crowded, burning building. If they condone this level of greediness in public, what are their acceptable limits in private?

Support the Kids!

2005-08-21T06:49:00.000-07:00

Driving to my favorite coffee shop the other day, I stopped at an intersection where this guy was holding a sign and a bucket. The sign said "Support the Kids", hand written in Sharpe on a poster board. It's hot here in Texas and my windows were rolled up, he looked at me and shouted, "Support the kids!" and shook his bucket at me. He had three friends, one on each corner of the intersection, each with a sign and a bucket. I have my own, daily, internal struggle with folks panhandling, there's got to be an easier way to make a living than standing in the blazing August Texas sun at noon on a Saturday. So, sometimes I give, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't enable whatever addiction landed them on the street. Sometimes I feel it's none of my business. Sometimes I feel I should help my neighbor in a time of need. Sometimes I feel ridiculously wealthy and lucky and guilty that I don't do more to right the wrongs of our society. That day I felt a little swindled. Support the Kids. What kids? I didn't see any kids. Support them doing what? Playing sports? Going on a church trip? Enabling their mother/father/aunt/uncle/grandparent/caregivers addiction of choice? Part of me wanted to ask...more of me wanted to leave the window up and just drive by.

A lot of us out now and the rest ASAP!

2005-08-17T09:34:00.000-07:00

The other day I was reading yet another article about Cindy Sheehan and her single-handed stoking of the anti-war movement. The quote that cracked me up: "Even war opponents aren't sure whether the message should be "Out now," or "Out soon," or "A lot of us out now and the rest asap." I laughed, but it's true, what do we want to say...what should we be demanding of our leaders. So, I asked my office mates what the anti-war slogan should be and they said a few things, my favorite was "We shouldn't have gone in the first place and now we are fucked." That pretty much sums it up.

Word to the Wise

2005-08-13T17:16:00.000-07:00

It's a good idea never to leave a 40 pound bag of dog food in your car, in the summer, in Texas, for a day and a half. The smell is not overwhelming, but strange, distinct, unpleasant and lingering.

Meat Guy

2005-01-13T13:27:00.000-08:00

So, I'm in the grocery store the other day, and I see this guy at the meat counter. He's just a regular guy, big, not awful fat or anything, just a regular vaguely obese guy. His skin is kind of sallow, and he's buying all this meat. So much meat. The part of the basket where little kids sit is piled with meat. I can tell by the way he's picking it out, it's not or a party or anything, it's just his regular weekly meat.

Just so you know, I'm no vegetarian or PETA person, I'm good with big ol' fatty rib eye every now and again.

He seems fairly normal, and I am at Sun Harvest, generally healthy organic food, so the meat is probably free range or hormone-antibiotic free or something equally meat-guilt assuaging.

I can't quit lookin' at Meat Guy while I wait for my weenie 1/4 lb of turkey breast. He's affable enough with Counter Guy, but I can tell he's grumpy. Really fuckin' grumpy. I wonder if he's on Atkins and it's pissing him off. I don’t think so. Then I wonder if it's just because he eats too much damn meat.

Meat guy and I go our own ways, but I round the corner and there he is again with his wife. She's kinda fat and sallow too. They are totally bitching at each other. Over bread or something. Sun Harvest has crappy bread, not worth gettin all wound up about. So I think, "THAT'S why he's grumpy." Then I think"Why do people act like that?" Then I get my soymilk and move along.

A couple of days later, I'm at the gym, looking around at all the New Years resolution-ers, feeling superior, but just a little, 'cause that was me last year. But, none the same, superior. I'm up, pumping away on the cross trainer, and there, in front of me are Meat Guy and Meat Guy's Wife. They are riding exercise bikes, sort of slumped over, peddling slow. After about three minutes, Meat Guy gets up and wanders around the weight machines. Meat Guy's wife follows.

I’m completely bugged. It’s not just because they are there, exactly. Whoo-hoo to them for joining the gym! It’s the WAY they are there. Lump like. With this pall of resentment and resignation hanging all around. I can almost see it, pallid and grey, sucking the energy right out of the air. And it’s not really them, I think. It’s not intrinsic to either of them. It’s what they make together, like they’ve got some creepy-ass goodness sucking magnetism going on.

Why? I wonder.

It's the year of not buying crap

2004-12-25T09:27:00.000-08:00

This year's resolution? I'm not going to buy crap. You know, the crap you buy that you don't need when you get out of college and you get a job and it's the 90's and you're riding high on the .com boom and everyone is making tons of money, but it doesn’t seem really real so you spend it all on crap and then WHAM, Clinton is gone is there's this doofus in the White House the .coms are gone, pets.com is just a sad little hand puppet and the stock market crashed, but that's OK cause you didn't make THAT much money, and you didn't invest any of if anyway, you just bought crap. So you get a reasonable job and you make a reasonable amount of money...and you stop buying crap. Except, it's taken me a few years to figure it out. So, now I'm on board...even though I still get the feeling I'm supposed to be buying crap, I'm not gonna.